Living with Depression

“Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

Stephen Fry

It has been months since I’ve even looked at my blog, much less written anything for it. I know that it’s a brand new space for me and disappearing like that is no way to build a real following. But there are reasons.

Depression

I have battled depression most of my adult life and the severity rises and falls as time passes. Sometimes it is worse than others. For the past couple of months I have been over here drowning in the deepest depths of depression; even battling suicidal thoughts that pass through like waves of despair washing over me.

I am hopeful this morning that I am working my way through to the other side of this bout but, like everything else in life, there are no guarantees.

I have spent the past few weeks working on getting our pool open for the summer. We rent our house but are fortunate to have an inground pool that gives me great joy and plenty of exercise. The bad part is it has trees that overhang so fighting the leaves and algae is a ton of work. This is especially true in the spring when it’s time to clean up and open for the season and this year has been really tough.

Local company’s quoting hundreds of dollars to clean and open our pool told me it was going to be all my job this year.

Oh my!

There were literally feet of leaves covering the entire pool floor and algae so thick and green it was disgusting. Not to mention a pool pump I’ve had to fight every step of the way and learning about the chemicals. But I worked hard and yesterday I finally had everything right and the water was sparkling blue. I finally got to swim for the first time this year.

It made all that work 100% worth it.

What does that have to do with Depression?

My depression is always at its worst in the colder months. I usually start feeling better in March but being outdoors is what really helps the feeling of doom to really lift. Giving me this work to do outside is how the pool really helped me this year.

I couldn’t allow myself to sit inside when I had this “chore” to deal with, day in and day out. It pushed me to shake off the dreary thoughts, thankfully.

This is the place that I love being; my quiet, calming space that truly gives me peace. In the morning, as I sit at my spot at the patio table and drink my coffee, I listen to the birds and watch the squirrels play. It is such a great place to just BE.

Getting There

So, you can see that I’m getting there, there being a calm, undepressed state of mind, slowly but surely. It’s not an easy road to travel, from suicidal and without hope to the mind space full of hope and calm, but it is totally possible. I’ve come to know that the real hurdle in the life of a depressive is to keep the knowledge that things always get better at the front of the mind.

I know that does help me through the minefield of despair.

If you’re dealing with depression, know that you are not alone. There are millions of others out here, dealing with those same feelings and thoughts. Please don’t let it get the best of you. Reach out to someone (me, even) and share your despondency with them. That connection could be the anchor you need to help keep you on top of all that hopelessness.

I will be back much sooner the next time…I promise.

Peace & Love,
Barb

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